something inside.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

i'm torn.

i have two parts inside of me fighting to take the dominant position in my life. i need stability and regularity. but i also need to be spontaneous and i need constant change.

i want a schedule. i want to be able to do whatever pops into my head when i wake up in the morning. i want to feel comfortable and safe. i don't want to know what's going to happen to me tomorrow. i want to have a plan.

i know these thoughts run through the mind's of most people and i don't mind having all of them swirl around in my head. but sometimes i just wish that one would take control.

do you ever get that urge to pack up some essentials and fly to a place you've never been? and then once you arrive you don't turn back until a few months have gone by. is that an urge to be listened to? put on hold? or just plain ignored?

i'm torn.


Matthew said...

It's like-a lyric to-a song. Look'atchu, Tawnya Lipoon!

Tawny, I get it. You know why you feel even more like this? It's because you're residing at home. You need a change in scenes. You should travel for just a little. It'll help you refocus and collect yourself. Don't necessarily do what I did and pack up and pick up and disappear (although it helped). It freaks people out but not the intended ones...

Your problem is you're a creative soul but you're also responsible. Ain't that a b*tch.

I like how you were attempting to answer your own question(s). I think if I were to fly to a place that was completely new, I'd want to get back to what's familiar and comfortable once I landed. That's why I need Anna and my dad for adventures. I guess mama Park is pretty adventurous herself... But that 'urge to be listened to' thought is interesting along with the others.

Bringing all this back to, well, me; sometimes I just want to talk to someone all the time. But does that really mean I just want to be accepted? Because I'm okay with just listening when I feel that another's shared thoughts is a expression of interest in, well, back to me. Selfish, perhaps, but nonetheless.

Frackin' toss is all to the wind.

Vanity of vanities.

Use some tape.

myoung said...


i'm scared out of my mind right now. i don't know if i'll be able to pay rent in a couple months. i have no clue if lgc will work. i don't know if i should find a second job. i don't know if i'll get back what i've invested.

would i change any of this?

we can always go back to schedules and routines.


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